Rudolph’s Check Up

Santa was taking Rudolph for a check-up at the doctors. So Santa says, “I want Rudolph to go in to a check up and get his red light removed”. The doctor takes in Rudolph, checks his reflexes, his heartbeat, and basic check-up things. Then the doctor performs the surgery and gets the light removed.

After that, Frisky the cat sniffs Rudolph over as the doctor gives Santa a bill. Santa looks at the bill and says, “Well $300, that’s a lot of money. Why was it so expensive?”

The doctor says, “It was 50 for the check-up, 100 for the surgery, and 150 for the cat scan.”
By R

What is Easter?

A friend was visiting the teacher of a CCD class, so the teacher planned to show the friend just how much the students learned in such little time. The teacher asked the class, “What is Easter?”

Jon raised his hand, “Oooh, oooh, pick me.”

The teacher called on Jon and he said, “Its when we give thanks to God and we sit down with our family and eat a big meal in November.”

The teacher got upset that Jon didn’t know.

Then Michael raised his hand and said, “Ooh, ooh, pick me.”

The teacher called on Michael and he said, “Its about Jesus.”

The teacher breathed a sigh of relief.

Michael went on, “Its in December when Jesus was born and Santa Claus gives us presents.”

The teacher was now worried that her friend wouldn’t see what the kids had learned.

Mary raised her hand and said, “Ooh, ooh, pick me.”

The teacher, very worried, called on Mary.

Mary began, “Its about Jesus when he suffered and died on the cross.”

The teacher began to feel hopeful.

Mary went on, “Then 3 days later he rose from the dead.”

The teacher was excited.

Then Mary finished, “And if he turned around and saw his shadow there are six more weeks of winter.”
By R

Polar Bears and Religion

Three religious leaders were at a convention in Alaska. There was a priest, a reverend/minister, and a rabbi. The men had a discussion about the afterlife. They were having a discussion on whether or not animals went to heaven. So they started to debate how animals could be blessed.

The priest then suggests, “Let’s go out and see if we can bless a polar bear, and then we’ll find out what happens.”

So they all go out to try to find a polar bear.

The priest finds one, and then starts to throw holy water on it. The bear reaches out with its paw and mauls him. The priest goes to the hospital

The Protestant minister searches for a polar bear and thinks, “The priest has it easy, I have to say a prayer over the bear.” The minister soon finds a bear, and it mauled. The minister also goes to the hospital.

The rabbi, minister, and priest all meet up in the hospital the next day and talk about what happened.

The rabbi says, “You guys had it easy, when a rabbi blesses, we have to circumcise.”
By R

Catholic Bear

Two men were hunting in the forest when they meet a giant grizzly bear. The men, startled, start to run away. One hunter outran the other, and that slow hunter then trips on a root. The man starts to pray, “Oh dear Father, please make this bear a Catholic, so he won’t eat me.”

The bear then stopped and began to pray over the man, “Blessed they Lord, and these thy gifts.”
By R

Hole to Nowhere

There once was a little lamb who sinned a lot, and he wasn’t Catholic so he couldn’t get his sins removed. So the farmer chained him up in a bush so he couldn’t escape and went out on a walk.

Later, two hunters came by the farm. They saw a hole, and wondered how deep the hole went. So the hunters found a rock and threw it into the hole, waiting for a echo sound. They didn’t hear any.

So the hunters found a bigger rock and threw that into the hole. However, they didn’t hear a sound. So the hunters looked around and found a big piece of wood. So they threw the wood in the hole. The lamb, who saw the wood be thrown, followed and and jumped into the hole.

When the farmer came back, he asked the hunters where his lamb went. So the hunters say, “Well, the lamb jumped into the hole.”

The farmer replies, “That’s impossible, I had him chained to a big piece of wood.
By R

Mark 17:1

During the ending part of the priest’s homily, he said, “Next week’s homily is about lying, so I want to all to read chapter 17 of Mark for inspiration next week.”

The next week, the priest began, “So raise your hands if you read chapter 17 of Mark.” Almost the whole congregation raised their hands. The priest smiled, because Mark only wrote 16 chapters.
By R

The Slowskys

One morning in the Slowsky family (the turtles from the Comcast tv commercial), Mr. Slowsky began to walk outside to get the newspaper. When he got to the newspaper, he got mugged by snails.

After a while Mrs. Slowsky became worried and went out to check on Bill.

When she got outside she saw Mr. Slowsky on the ground and rushed to him. She asked, “What happened?”

Mr. Slowsky replied, “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”
By R

Protestant Baptism

There was a protestant minister who was doing full-body emersions in a small pool. There were a bunch of men standing around. The minister had his eyes closed and was saying a prayer over the water. Then a drunk man stumbles down from a hill and lands in the pool. When the minister opens his eyes, he assumes the drunk man was the first person to be baptized.

So the minister grabs the man by the ankles and pushes him into the water. Then the minister pulls him out and asks, “Did you find Jesus?” The man shook his head, so the minister pushes him in again. When he takes the man out he asks, “Did you find Jesus?” The man shook his head again. So, frustrated, the minister pushed the man into the water for a longer time. After a minute, the minister pulled the man out of the water again and asks, “Did you find Jesus?” The man replied, “Is this where he fell in?”
By R

Golfing

A monsignor and a nun went golfing. So they got into a golf kart and drove to the first hole.

When the monsignor got to the first hole, he put the ball onto the tee and swung the club, but he missed the ball. He exclaimed, “Aw shoot, I missed.” The nun reprimanded him, saying, “You shouldn’t say that, people are watching you.” So the monsignor apologized and said he wouldn’t do it again.

When they got to the second hole, the monsignor teed up and swung, but he missed the ball. “Aw shoot, I missed,” he yelled out. The nun got upset and said, “Stop saying that or I’ll leave.” The monsignor apologized and promised not to say it again.

So when they got to the third hole, the monsignor swung at the ball and missed. He said again, “Aw shoot, I missed.” The nun got angry and said, “That’s it I’m leaving.”

Then the clouds got dark and a lightning bolt hit the nun. A voice came from the clouds, “Aw shoot, I missed.”
By R

Marriage

There was a newlywed couple that just moved into a new house. However, each of them had a bad habit. So they went to their parents for advice on how to fix them.

The husband had very stinky feet, so he went to his father for advice, otherwise he’d drive his wife away. His father told him to wash his feet every night, and wear socks to bed.

The wife had horrid morning breath, and with fear that she’d drive her husband away, went to her mother. Her mother advised to wake up before her husband every morning to prepare coffee and breakfast. That way she could brush her teeth while he was eating.

This plan worked very well for about six months. However, one night the husband woke up in the middle of the night and discovered he lost one of his socks. He searched frantically for it. This searching woke up the wife, and she asked, “What are you looking for?”

The husband then said, “Oh my gosh, you swallowed my sock!”
By R